I Just Found Out Labia Can Disappear in Menopause, WTAF and Go Where?
Fuck you TikTok and also bless your cotton socks.
Today years old. TA DAY. When I was scrolling TikTok and paused on a disappearing labia post.
I laughed and then realized wait, is this actually fucking real?
Off to Google I go.
Private browsing of course.
SMH, is private browsing even private? Mental hug, I guess, believing it might be.
Can labia disappear in menopause?
Oh wait, my last search is still showing:
“Saw a post that said a man’s testicle is worth 1.7 million dollars.”
I hope no one is sitting at Google viewing search history ffs.
Sadly, a man’s testicle is not worth $1.7m and apparently it’s illegal to sell a testicle, in case anyone is wondering.
We must champion forward with the disappearing labia research.
Welp. There is good news and bad news.
Good news: they won’t fall off or something.
Bad news: they can shrink, thin out and recede so much that they appear to disappear.
There is the word collagen again ffs.
Not sure why we need it and why everyone wants to point out we lose it. I’m sure our mothers didn’t know about collagen just like I’m sure they never knew or told us about DISAPPEARING FUCKING LABIA!
WTAF. Now I have to worry about my lips.
I now have to look up an anatomy picture because for the life of me in this moment I don’t know which lippity lips are labia.
Menopause taking my memory and my lips as a package deal apparently.
So there I am.
48 years old.
Owner and operator of this vagina since birth.
Looking at a labelled diagram because apparently I need a refresher course on the equipment.
Labia majora.
Labia minora.
Okay.
Got it.
I would like to point out that I have successfully kept track of these parts for nearly five decades without ever once considering that I should be monitoring them for SHRINKAGE.
Was I supposed to take baseline measurements?
Should there have been an annual inspection?
At 40 should my doctor have handed me a little ruler and said, “You’re going to want to keep an eye on these”?
Because I feel woefully unprepared.
And here’s what pisses me off.
Why the fuck did nobody tell us?
We got the period talk.
Sort of.
We got the sex talk.
Some of us.
We learned about pregnancy.
We learned about birth.
We learned about birth control.
We learned that menopause meant your periods eventually stopped and you’d probably get hot sometimes.
HOT SOMETIMES?
That’s what you went with?
Of all the information available, generations of women collectively decided the headline was:
“You may experience hot flashes.”
Meanwhile apparently my entire undercarriage is entering a restructuring phase.
That feels worthy of a fucking pamphlet.
There should be a mandatory meeting when you turn 40.
Welcome.
Please take a seat.
Coffee is at the back.
Today we’re going to discuss what may happen to your vagina over the next 15 years.
Please remain calm.
Actually, no coffee for me because apparently caffeine might make the hot flashes worse.
See?
THAT I FUCKING KNEW.
But disappearing labia?
TikTok had to tell me.
And once you Google one menopause thing, you’ve made a terrible mistake because Google is like:
Oh, you want to know what’s happening to your body?
Here are 47 other things you weren’t worried about five minutes ago.
Dryness.
Thinning tissue.
Changes in elasticity.
Changes in sensation.
Urinary symptoms.
Excuse me.
I ONLY CAME HERE FOR THE MISSING LABIA.
I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for the extended warranty information right now.
And the more I read, the more I realize menopause isn’t one event.
It’s like your body has begun installing software updates without asking permission.
You go to sleep with Version 47.9 and wake up with:
PERIMENOPAUSE 48.0
Updates include:
Memory functionality reduced.
Temperature regulation disabled.
Sleep mode now launches randomly and shuts down at 3:17 a.m.
Hair has been relocated from approved areas to chin.
Collagen subscription downgraded.
Genital architecture subject to change without notice.
Would you like to install now?
NO.
Installation will begin automatically in 3…2…1…
Fuck.
And where were our mothers during all of this?
Because I’m going to have questions.
Did they know?
Did Grandma know?
Was there a secret society of older women walking around with this information while the rest of us were blissfully unaware?
Or did they also discover it one day and just think:
Well, I guess we’re not talking about THAT.
Because women of my generation are apparently not doing that.
We have TikTok.
We have Google.
And we have absolutely no boundaries.
One woman finds out something horrifying about menopause and within 20 minutes she’s online yelling:
LADIES. YOU’RE GOING TO WANT TO SIT DOWN FOR THIS ONE.
And frankly?
Thank you for your service.
Because apparently this is how we’re going to learn.
Woman to woman.
One traumatizing Google search at a time.
I started today blissfully unaware that labia could appear to disappear.
Now I know the difference between the labia majora and labia minora again, I’ve confirmed I cannot legally sell my husband’s testicle for $1.7 million, and I’m wondering whether Google has assigned an employee specifically to monitor my account.
That’s enough education for one day.
I’m closing the browser.
I’m going to live my life.
And I’m absolutely not going to inspect my labia.
…
Okay.
Maybe just a quick look.
For baseline purposes.